Many thanks to a reader for asking the provocative question…
“Any way you could share what you yourself feel you need to let go of that you’ve been clinging to so I can see whether I’m on the right track?”
Eris is about Denial – namely, that which has been pushed into the Unconscious in order not to Overwhelm Consciousness or shatter the Ego. So as Uranus approaches Eris it’s not about “what we feel we need to let go of that we’ve been clinging to,” it’s about what we will discover in the way of unknown Beliefs, or long-standing Limits that we’ve misinterpreted as Irritations or social norms, and which are likely to come into Focus as Self-Sabotage. These aren’t just the Masks we put on to meet others, but the Masks we wear to Protect our Ego from the sometimes-brutal Honesty of the Self.
Denial is a healthy process, helping to keeping the Ego functioning in order to keep the Vehicle Safe. However, the Revelation of Denial, when it’s Gentle and Loving, is also a very healthy process – to everything there is a Season. The theory, true or otherwise, is that when we persistently ignore Gentle and Loving hints about what’s being ignored, and the Soul feels that Expanded Consciousness has become more important than the Safety provided by the Denial, the Unconscious will resort to more serious tactics than the Gentle and Loving,
Note that when anyone else accuses you of being “in Denial,” it’s always a Manipulation, an attempt to Intimidate and Control you. They know nothing about the relationship between your Soul and Ego, and never will. A gifted Psychic may have some information about that, but no Psychic worth listening to would ever accuse anyone of being “in Denial.” I know Gurus who use a shock method for communicating, but in my experience they’re shocking you into listening to the Inner Voices that you already know of, but which you’ve been discounting for years. Taking “the answer you’ve already rejected” is a Gentle way of moving in that direction.
Our reader continues…
“Something came up yesterday where in retrospect I can see I felt a powerful need for attention or validation or appreciation or recognition, or something along those lines, from sources from which it’s just not going to come. This theme is so ancient that it has become exhausting. I felt sharp pain and anger for a brief moment, but recovered nicely, if not altogether tidily, and the moment passed pretty quickly, all things considered. I’m left feeling a little…silly, infantile and embarrassed, though not really ashamed because I seem to have already forgiven myself for the temporary lapse in sanity. Does that qualify? And if so does it mean I need to provide those things for myself?”
There’s a strong correlation between our Masks and our unmet Childhood needs. For instance, as a child many of us had “a powerful need for Attention or Validation or Appreciation or Recognition from a source from which it never came.” So we put on a Mask that protected our Vulnerability to what we were inappropriately led to believe was a weakness. We all need Attention or Validation or Appreciation or Recognition, and some sources are critical. For instance, anyone who doesn’t expect that from a spouse or employer or friend is probably in an Abusive Relationship. A Codependent Relationship is one where the Validation of the Other is more important to us than our own Values.
The part about “I’m left feeling a little…Silly, Infantile and Embarrassed, though not really Ashamed because I seem to have already forgiven myself for the temporary lapse in Sanity” needs to be reversed. It was the feeling of “Silly, Infantile and Embarrassed” (or Pain and Anger, as the case may be) that IS the Sanity. Just not necessarily age-appropriate Sanity, although it would be perfectly age-appropriate in a close Relationship. “Silly, Infantile and Embarrassed” and “Pain and Anger” were age-appropriate at the age when you were striving for Validation and learned that it was never to be forthcoming.
It’s not the Emotions that are ever age-inappropriate, it’s their Expression. When we regress to a Childhood circumstance, which you likely did, our Skillset regresses with us. So we’re trying to deal with a Current-Moment situation with the Social Skills of a four-year-old or two-year-old, or sometimes even a preverbal child whose primary Social Skills are Awe and an obsession to hunt for Mirrors. So of course we’re going to feel Silly, Infantile, and Embarrassed. When we begin to Recover these Lost parts of our Self, we have to endure this for a while, as we give ourself the Space to Practice. We come up to Current-Moment speed very quickly. however, once we can discern the difference between Present Moment and Regression.
The “brief” part of your Pain and Anger is important. The faster we “correct,” edit, or Control our True Emotions, the deeper is our Unconscious Devotion to the Archetype (in this case, Vulnerability is Not Safe) rather than to the Self and Soul. So all three of the “Pain and Anger,” the “Silly, Infantile and Embarrassed,” and the Judgment about “Lapse in Sanity” are doorways to whatever it is that you’re Masking from yourself. You may already be well aware of it intellectually, but this is not an intellectual process, it’s a deep Emotional one. To intellectually understand a chronic or acute Trauma is very useful for everyday Control, but it’s far different from the Re-Experience of the original Emotions which is necessary for Healing.
The Cultural idea that “Maturity” means having Control over your Emotions is part of the Patriarchical propaganda that we need to overcome. “Maturity” certainly includes the ability to avoid Harm to Self and Other through Skillful Expression, but Emotions are the stock and trade of True Relationships, so Controlling them is a serious Self-Abandonment. Exactly as the Patriarchy desires, because a Self-Abandoned Ego is easily Controlled from the outside.
Do note that the Re-Experience of the original Emotions need not be Re-Traumatizing, as has been shown by Gary Craig, David Feinstein, and Dawson Church in the case of Vietnam Veterans, and by the latter two in many international situations such as the Genocide in Bosnia. Bessel van der Kolk’s amazing book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma very readably covers his journey from rookie to Master of these regions. He believes that buried Trauma is the greatest danger facing Huperity today. And I would agree that it’s buried Trauma – aka Limiting Beliefs – that create and perpetrate the other greatest dangers that the Planet faces.
Your Reaction to the Pain and Anger was immediately suppression – that is the sort of information that Eris is revealing to us. The Goddesses who fought one another over Eris’s Golden Apple never realized that Eris was revealing their Vanity, nor did the Gods who presided name it, and the rest of Greek history reflects that lack of Consciousness. The ending to that story can be attributed to the idea that Greek Mythology is the chronicle of the Patriarchy overcoming the Matriarchy – the Golden Apples story demeans women as irretrievably Devoted to the Archetype of Vanity, and the “superiority” of male Devotion to the Archetype of Warriorship in its defense. Substitute Vanity for Vulnerability and Warriorship for Maskmaking, and Eris’s story is the same as yours.
You’ve “forgiven yourself” for the Silly, Infantile and Embarrassed. And you refer to your True Emotions as a “temporary lapse in Sanity.” More information gifted from Eris. We’re speculating, as I have no business butting into the Relationship between your Ego and your Soul, but here are some possibilities…
You may have a Limiting Belief that your Childish Joy (Silly, Infantile, Embarrassed) is not valid. If so, that would be likely to be a strong inhibition on your Spontaneity and Creativity.
You may have a Limiting Belief that Pain and Anger are not suitable for polite company. If so, that could seriously inhibit your ability to rapidly and effectively set good Boundaries.
You may have a Limiting Belief that your True Emotions are not “Sane.” If so, that would be a tight collar on your Relationships and your Ability to share your ample Wisdom to Lead others.
You can explore these doorways if you wish, by first making sure you’re Safe, and then recalling as best you can, in turn, the moment when you felt Infantile, the moment when you judged your feelings as not Sane, and the moment when you felt the Pain and Anger. I’d recommend approaching each in its own session (repeated as useful). Set a firm Anchor before you start – for instance, some incontrovertible evidence of your current age, so you can return at will to the Present Moment if you begin to get lost in the Past. Carkeys in hand is a possibility. Your objective for all three sessions is Wonder –
“I Wonder what if anything this has to do with Expanding my Consciousness to include the portions of my Soul that have been missing.” Or –
“I Wonder how this might translate into a Limiting Belief that sabotages my ability to Manifest my Heart’s Desire.” Or even –
“I Wonder if I’m really Living my own Truth around these issues, and if not, how I might move Gently and Lovingly in that direction.”
Or something like these. Your “sessions” could be as brief as that, if you then Changed the Subject and let your Intuition work on the question. If Memories start to flow (the asteroid Mnemosyme – Memory – entered Aries a few days ago, and it won’t be far from the Eris-Uranus Initiation in early June), let them come, as long as you still feel Safe. If you start to feel Unsafe, Revert to your Anchor, and resume later after you’ve Grounded yourself (Food often works).
Be Mindful of Conclusions; you want to Open windows, not close doors. Remember that Confusion is good, as it indicates that the Consciousness-Expansion has begun. You want small incremental Ahas, not big Decisions. Suffix everything with “… or something like that.” We have time yet, we don’t need to push ourselves, and this is very delicate territory, this Edge between Consciousness and the Unconscious.
Besides Eris, the major planets dealing with this Edge include…
- Juno, whose modus operandi was to turn threats to her Ego into Stone
- Hylonome, who killed herself when confronted with alienation from her favorite Archetype
- Vesta, symbolizing (for good or ill – we’d be long lost without Habits!) Unquestioned Archetypes
Compared to these, Eris is a Gentle and Loving partner in our urgent need to escape from Archetypes which encode the End of Civilization. It’s also useful to remember that the Eris-Uranus Initiation is occurring in Aries – that which hasn’t happened before, that which we’re beginning to Create from Scratch (out of Spirit actually), that which we will have no hope of actually understanding for a long time – probably till Uranus gets to its Waxing Square with Eris. “Blown inward by the wind, the curtains of an open window take the shape of a cornucopia,” suggesting rich rewards for those willing to be Open to the inscrutable Winds of Spirit.
Your original question about “what I myself feel I need to let go of, that I’ve been clinging to”? If I rephrase that as “where does Eris seem to be leading me next?” then I have no shortage of Stories, which I intend to tell.